Grandma Alice

I have spent a year trying to write this very post. I have visited and written and re-written it so many times I have lost count. But it is important to post my feelings about my dear grandmother.

It is difficult to fully appreciate the significance and influence one person may have on another until they have passed from this life, leaving a void. I want to tell you about an incredible woman left an unexplained void in my life only a year ago.

Isn't she positively beautiful?!

My connection to her starts on my birthday. That's right, the day I was born. I have always been proud of the fact that I share my special day with my Grandmother. It is the reason that I have the privilege to share her name as well. My parents gave me her name as my middle name. When I was young, I felt that made me very special... and it does. Her legacy is one that I hope to live up to.

There are so many fond memories that run through my mind when I think about visiting her. She lived on a ranch. As a child you could not ask for a more magical place to visit. There were cats to hunt (since they were feral, it was a literal hunt for the kittens if I wanted to hold one, which I always did), ATVs to ride, and mountains to explore. Every night after dinner we would wash the dishes in the sink, then take the scraps out to "feed the chickens." That usually meant that I got to toss the feed everywhere and Grandma would collect the eggs (because those chickens were mean!). Then I would accompany her to the horse barn where I would climb on the hay bales and watch her lift those heavy loads of feed into their bins. I thought she must be the strongest woman in the world... and I still believe it.

There were always hummingbirds flitting from the feeders on the back porch, and adventures to be had everywhere you looked. It is a heaven on earth and that ranch has a special place in my heart. But what made that place so special was Grandma. So many times we would arrive there late at night, she would wait up for us, the heater would be on in the front room, and we would find her there waiting to welcome us home. Some times, despite the hour, we would stay up and chat or play a game of cards.

She was so gifted and talented in her ability to create beautiful things. She took up toll painting and painted beautiful things on plates that lined her living room. She also painted the grand kids special Christmas ornaments for years. They are still the ornaments that go on my tree today. They are beautiful and I know that she thought of me as she made them. I looked forward to those ornaments every year.

One of my favorite memories of my grandmother happened on a weekend that the horses got out through the gate. They made their way to the ponds, where we could see them from the porch. At that time, Grandma used an old golf cart to get around the ranch... When we saw the horses finding the greener grass on the other side, she got up and went out the door. All of the sudden, around the corner of the house we see Grandma on her golf cart. She drove around them and herded those two horses back through the fence with amazing speed and agility. I don't know if John Wayne could have done a better job, and it made it better that she was driving a golf cart.


She is an inspiration to me. She did not live an easy life. Hers was a journey of heartache and loneliness. Yet I didn't get the sense that she lived with self-pity nor did she seem to need (or want) help from everyone. She didn't wish for things to be better. She made things work for her, or she did without.

I never met my grandpa, he passed away long before I came around. I loved to have her tell me the story of how she met him. She always smiled a sly smile when she told me how she went to a dance with a another guy and left with "Bob." I like to think that their reunion was a sweet one, though she probably gave him a stern talking to about leaving her there for so long...

It was difficult for me to watch her body deteriorate over time. The difficult life she led left her body in pretty bad repair... She spent a long time in the nursing home in town. I remember when she was moved there because it was physically impossible to live on the ranch alone. I remember feeling like the woman in that room was not my grandmother. I hated to see such a free, independent spirit stuck in a bare hospital room... Her mind was sharp as a tack until the day she died. Her body just wouldn't comply... She had to adjust. And she did. That fiery lady I knew and loved came back. She eventually recovered enough to take trips to the town park and we would have to run to keep up with her motorized wheelchair. That time was full of all sorts of new kinds of memories.

Family was so very important to her. She loved each of her children so much I could see it in her face when she talked about them. Every inch of her wall was covered with of pictures of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. She loved to point to each one and tell us about this baby or that event. And I will never forget the glow of joy on her face when she was able to go to the St. George temple to have her son sealed to her. I am so glad I got to be there for such a tender moment for her.

Brayden's first time to Kanab. We got a 4 generation picture there at the city park!

St. George Temple. Grandma was so happy, it made me cry. 

I learned from her that your story can be simple and less glamorous than the rest of the world consider great, but it is all about your family. She was a rock, a solid foundation for her family. A haven for those traveling (at least she was for me). She exemplifies strength, courage, wisdom, patience, unconditional love, all with a sense of humor wrapped up in one. She is my hero.

My ability to write does not do this amazing woman justice. I admire her and hope to live up to the legacy she left for me. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to know such an incredible woman, and I know the world is a better place because of the 91 1/2 years she spent in it.

I love her and I miss her so much. But I am so very grateful for the knowledge of eternal families. I am glad to know that I get to see her, meet my grandpa, and be with them again. And so I wish her all the blessings of heaven. Until we meet again dear Grandma Alice. Say hello to everyone for me!

xoxo
Jessica

Day 1: Testimony

November is the month of gratitude. I wanted to celebrate this year by recording something I am grateful for each day. Today I am grateful for my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It brings strength and comfort to me in all aspects of my life, and never fails me when times get tough.

I believe that God speaks to his living prophets today. We can learn from them and consider the words they say to be directly from God. I am grateful to have living prophets.

I believe that God speaks to me through revelation and his holy spirit in regards to  my own personal life. I am a child of God, and I am known personally by him. He loves me and cares enough about me that I can address things in my life and he will listen, and he will answer my questions. I am grateful for revelation and for prayers.

I believe in a life after death. Those we lose in this life have only stepped beyond the veil to continue on their eternal journey. We will be reunited with our loved ones again someday. The mourning we have here for our deceased friends and family is sad, only because we miss them. They are not lost, but waiting. We shall all live together again. This is possible through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am grateful for this knowledge.

I believe that family is forever. I am sealed to my husband for eternity. I can continue to progress throughout the rest of time... It is through the blessings received through temple ordinances that this perspective is possible. I am grateful for temples, for an eternal perspective, and for the knowledge and comfort this can (and has) brought to my life.

I am grateful for the values and standards that I have committed to. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For this, I am grateful.

Little Star Babies

Does the moon love her little star babies?

It is difficult to describe one's thoughts and feelings on days like today. It has been a difficult couple of months to watch as my decently healthy-albeit-almost-90-year-old grandmother seemed to fade after a stroke left her without the full function of her mortal body... It has been the craziest of roller coaster rides as she improved with a lot of promise before slipping away again. There were times near the end that we could catch glimpses of that spectacular lady there. A wry little smile, a twinkle in those eyes, the abhorrence of the blue fingernail polish a nurse so kindly painted on her fingernails...

This morning she answered the final call home. Peaceful was the way it was described to me. And she was a lady who wouldn't have it any other way. I don't recall her voice ever getting very loud... there was always a sweet smile on that beautiful face.

Why is it so difficult to put into words how much you can love and adore someone so special? She was kind to everyone, patient, selfless, humble, with a sense of humor that kept you on your toes. She loved everyone and you always knew that she would remember your special days, that she was proud of your accomplishments, and the love from her would always be unconditional. She is one of the best examples of a Christ-like person I have ever met.

I always loved to go to Grandma's house. Her freezer was always stalked with ice cream sandwiches, dove bars, or Popsicles and there were always crackers in the cookie jar. She would let me play with her special figurines and her little cast iron stove. Grandma made me meatloaf, and taught me that lemon juice is the best way to eat broccoli. I loved her pearl necklaces and the fun toys she kept for the grand-kids in the bottom drawer of the dresser. She would sing to me as I fell asleep. I remember those lullabies and feel warm and safe when I hear them again. "Does the moon mama love her start babies..." She read to me from her old story books and had a record player that you could read along with and turn the pages with each "ding."

I was so excited to share my life with her because I knew she genuinely cared. When I was asked to the Jr. Prom, I asked my date if it would be okay to go see her before the dance. I was so proud to share that moment with my grandma and I feel that she appreciated it a little bit too. I know she has attended hundreds of programs and talks, missionary farewells & homecomings, baptisms, birthday parties, weddings, and the like. Her grandchildren were special to her (and her great-grandchildren too!) and we all know it.

She was an incredible example of selfless service to me. I didn't fully appreciate just how much she did for my grandpa before he passed almost fourteen years ago... but in recent years I have learned just how much she cared for and loved my grandpa. What a special lady. I cannot help but smile to think of her long awaited reunion with the man of her dreams. It brings a lot of comfort to know all is right with her now. I do wish I took the time to spend more time with her, but cherish the time I did get. Not one of my memories of her is unpleasant. This post really doesn't do her justice...

How grateful I am for the testimony I have of the truths of eternal families. Families are sealed together for eternity and through the Savior, Jesus Christ we can re-unite with our loved ones who have passed through the veil before us. I know I will see my beautiful grandmother again. This brings me great peace in the midst of lonely tears. I look forward to that day.

I love you Grandma. Thank you for all you have taught me, and continue to teach me through your incredible legacy. I miss you. Say hello to Grandpa for me. Until we meet again.

xoxo

Jessica

Deborah

Coincidence? It was too perfect for that."Divine intervention seems to fit the bill today... I'd like to call it a "tender mercy," but honestly, it wasn't so tender today... merciful? Probably. What on earth am I talking about? Well, where do I begin?

This particular intervention has come over the past few weeks. My most amazing friend invited me to attend a class at the local institute with her for the summer "semester." Anyone is welcome to register, so we decided we would take "Women in the Scriptures" together. What a blessing this has been in my life. I owe a lot to that dear friend... (more than just this I assure you.)

I have learned a lot already in this class. The past few classes we have talked about trials and how we can make it through them by reading the examples of these incredible women. Today we talked about Deborah the judge of Ephraim (Judges 18-25 roughly). What an interesting story. I seriously does make a great read... but the message was for me today, and I didn't even know it yet. 

The class ended in the early afternoon. My mother was willing to watch Brayden which allowed me to give my full attention to the message. We discussed how Deborah was sought for her wisdom and faith in God. She addressed Barak with a question, calling him out. When he told her that he would go to war if she would come with him, she said, "surely I will go..." She knew that God would deliver their enemies to them should they remain righteous. 

What an incredible faith. She showed immense support to Barak in his time of need. As a wife I can provide that same type of support and faith for my husband. I can remind him that God will take care of us, even if it looks like we are outnumbered (so to speak).  It was an uplifting class (as usual) and my friend and I discussed it (among other things) on our way home. 

A few hours later I received some... less-than-exciting news from my husband. Initially... I was less than Deborah-like. I retaliated with a bit of anger (I admit it). But after having a little while to cool off, the lesson from earlier today kept going through my head. I realized that this stress was worse for my poor husband who was trying to decide whether or not "to go to battle" (figuratively, of course). He needed a Deborah and God knew that, I knew that. And so... am I a modern day Deborah? I sure hope so... at least a little more than yesterday... 

Thanks be to God for the many blessings in my life. Thanks to a strong and courageous husband, father, and patriarch of our home. These two men are my providers and will forever be.

Bittersweet

Our landlords have officially sold our duplex to a nice couple about our age. The couple has now officially decided that they are going to move in to our side of the duplex and rent the other side. Unfortunately, the other side is not built for a family... more of a newlywed couple space and therefore is too small for our (mostly our little guy) needs. Naturally, that means we get to move.

It has been a roller coaster of emotion. The first initial panic and desperate confusion of finding out we were being uprooted without having a say in the matter. The over zealous excitement that we could move away from the problems this house has tormented me with the last little while. The irritation of having strangers come through my house to see it, and the demolition of my plants in the garden (a story that still irritates me a little). The exhaustion of spending 12 hours looking at different apartments around the valley trying to find a place that we can fit into, expand our family, and still afford... The stress of the looming move as we need to be out by August 1st.

Now we are starting to finally feel good about the eventual move. We have been calmed by that ever abiding spirit that we are being directed and guided toward what is best for our family in our next steps in life. We found a couple of places we like (and in our price range which is a feat!) and we are slowly picking up steam in our excitement at the prospect of a little (much needed) change.

Bitter? Yes. We love the people in our ward here. We love the strength that the students around here exhibit as they themselves experience what we are going through. I like having people who can relate to me and my situation because they are going through it too... right now! Not to mention there is so much love here. We have been in this house since we got married. This has been our life for almost 3 years now. We are comfortable and there is security in that. So today I am sad. Sad that I have to leave my beloved ward members. But I hope that I can still stay in touch with as many as I can. (I hope they will still invite me to join them in their interest groups too!)

The unknown is scary, but exciting. I know the Lord is guiding us, I just wish he could have let me know a little earlier, then again, maybe springing it on me was for the best too...

We still don't know where we will be moving to, but I will try to keep everyone updated as things progress. Much love!

Father

I have been incredibly blessed to belong to a family with such an incredible father. He has taught me so much over the years it is hard to put to words just how much I love and adore him. Nevertheless, I shall do my best.

Daddy taught me important things like how to play baseball, that lying is wrong, that I should always respect and love my mother as much as he does, and to respect the classics like Pink Floyd, the Beatles, etc. He helped me to understand that I am an individual who is capable of doing difficult things, he encouraged me to shoot for the stars, and supported me in my hobbies and interests as I grew and developed. He taught me how to laugh at life and not take anything too seriously. He patiently helped me through my math books, corrected English assignments, and expected academic excellence.

Dad has a sense of humor and I love that about him. My very first date was to Prom. I'll never forget the sight of him sitting on the couch, with a rifle perched by his foot, falling asleep while he waited for my date to arrive. He told me I looked beautiful. That always meant a lot to me.

He has always been there to answer my questions, to comfort me, and to provide the power of the priesthood when I have needed it. I am grateful to have had a father that lived his beliefs and showed us by example how to live a life righteously.

Thanks Dad, for all the night-time songs, for all the dances, for all the laughs. Thanks for the road trips, the campfires, and the walks to the creek and back. Thanks for your love, your kindness, your wisdom, and your testimony. I love you will all my heart! You are the best Daddy in the world!

Faith is...

Ever had one of those days where you thought you had life pretty figured out and then wham! guess again! yeah, I've been having one of those days... one of those weeks actually. But everything is gonna' be alright. I have spent some time pondering on a little thing called faith.

What is faith? Faith is a hope, for better and happier situations. It is as real as my pen on the paper yet it seems to dodge my ability to put it into words. We "hope for things that are not seen, that are true." But faith is more than just merely hoping. It must be exercised. Just as the body improves as we challenge and push it, so too does our faith increase as challenges and obstacles are put in our way. We may not see the end, but be can hope, dream, and strive to arrive at someplace better than where we are.